Because of the way my life is going and because I seem to be the one at fault (It can’t be everyone elses fault that they hate me), I am honestly looking into ECT.

I have been given the runaround by my current doctor for over a year about further therapy after I was signed off from CBT (failed). I was told that I needed to go into psycho dynamic therapy and my details were passed on to a new therapist office, but that all went wrong while I was away in the US last year. Apparently if they call you for an appointment you have seven days to respond. If you don’t, you’re taken out of their books. My therapist gave them my US dates and they conveniently called during those dates so I missed my “open window”. My doctors office would not refer me outside of their office (it’s a mess), because then their office doesn’t get the money, so they wanted me to see one of their counselors. Ok, fine, that’s dumb because I don’t need a counselor (I’ve seen one of theirs before and they are USELESS), but fine, let her refer me then. And I’m still waiting, over a year later, for an appointment. NHS, you fail. You get a big, cellulite rippled F. And you get the genetic cellulite, not the “I ate chocolate to get this cellulite” kind. That’s ~right.

Wooo, anyway. The one thing that scares me about ECT is the memory loss. There are a lot of things I’d like to forget I suppose, but there are so many memories I would do anything to retain. It’s the one thing that scares me about getting older; memory loss.

Have the depression shocked out of me so people will like me? Ok, do it. Take my memories of being little and feeling the country wind on my skin while I run around like a crazy thing having a troubled, but happy childhood? No. I can’t really deal with losing that. Riding my bike with no hands on the handlebars, buying tiny purses filled with candy from the local gas station, horseback camp, climbing neighbors trees, climbing my own trees… there’s a lot I refuse to give up. It’ll be a big discussion with a doctor, obviously, but if memory loss isn’t the issue I’m reading it is on the internet, I will do it.

I promise I’ll have a happy blog one day. Even if I have to fake it. I’ve been considering just trying to be fake happy, just to make it easier for people to want to be around me. That is harder than it sounds though. Maybe if I just pretend I’m one of those T*ddlers and Tiaras kids and do cupcake hands all day, I’ll smile more or something. Ultimate Grand Supreme!!

These times are very interesting. Accepting, or not accepting, people for their sexuality is a heaving issue. You can turn to almost any blog, any politician, any tv show, and you’ll see an opinion on sexuality. It is a highly discussed topic but then for so many individuals, an under-discussed topic. It’s very weird if you just sit back and absorb that.

It makes me think about mental disorders and how frowned upon they still are. You can have an artist sing about being born of a certain sexuality, heritage, etc, but not mental stability. I guess it doesn’t flow as well lyrically or matter as much.

On one of my low points recently I was browsing through documentaries on youtube and found one that talked about how adults with social anxiety *waves* are thought to have brains that are stimulated too easily (or something along those lines). They did experiments with babies where they held mobiles over them and some babies would just watch them moving objects with interest while other babies would cry at mobiles. I can’t remember all of the experiment and can attempt to track down the documentary if anyone is interested, but it had to do with a certain part of the brain being over stimulated too easily, which is thought to be what happens with people who suffer from things like social anxiety.

I’ve had social anxiety for a long time now. I can think back and recall symptoms back to before the age of 10, but it became worse for me when I moved to California as a preteen.

I was unlucky in the fact that I never had anyone around me who recognized any sort of mental unwellness (I suffered severe symptoms of anxiety from a young age), so there was never any treatment or therapy. I was just told that I needed to get over my problems.

I was thinking about it yesterday and remembering when my mom took a trip away from me when I was around the age of 8 years old. She went to another state to visit friends. I cried the entire time she was gone. I called her every 15-30 minutes because I thought she would die. It was one of the worst anxieties I’ve felt. At that age I had no way to tell anyone what I felt because I didn’t understand it myself. My mom was exasperated with me and everyone else just thought I was being a mommas girl. I literally thought my mom would get into a car accident and die. In Elementary school, if my mom was even a minute late picking me up from school, I thought she had died in a car accident and I would start crying immediately. If school was out at 3:00 and the person who was supposed to pick me up wasn’t there at 2:55, panic was already setting in. At 3:00 if I couldn’t see my ride, I was in tears. No one understood or cared to understand. I guess I was just classified as difficult.

Now I call this “Born that way” because I truly believe I was born this way. I could be wrong and I would love for some University to way to do studies on me (Urm, you know, nice ones, not old fashioned shock-the-brain ones) and let me know what they think. Because of that documentary and others I watched, it seems like there is just something that sort of dooms all of us in one way or another. Some people just get lucky and have amazing brains. Others have areas that are short circuiting. Sometimes that works out, other times not so much.

Anyway, where am I going with this? I guess I just hope that mental illness stops being looked at with such a stigma, like so many other things have in the past (and unfortunately still are by some people). I’m not trying to call being gay an illness so don’t twist my words or jam any into my mouth/blog. It’s about social norms and the ideas of those changing or at least more acceptance coming into the picture.

‘lo all!

I had so many ideas for a blog for today but after cleaning all day, I’m too brain dead to get too deep! I was flirting with book reviews (or at least blurbs), mother in law rants, cat rants, husband rants, rant rants, and probably other stuff too, but now all I can think about it this fantastic Salmon skin iso roll I had on Sunday and how I could probably eat an endless amount of those things if given the opportunity. It was sooo good. I’d never had salmon skin iso before. Now I’m not sure I’ll be able to not have it when the opportunity arises. Foodgasm!

It was my husbands birthday, which is why we went out for sushi. Unfortunately we didn’t have any friends who wanted to participate in any festivities with us. I guess it was poorly organized since I didn’t make a facebook group, but I’m still judging the f*ck out of almost everyone we know. It was a big birthday for my husband and I don’t mean to sound like a huge sour grape, but it’s jacked up that no one felt the urge to see him. I mean… it’s bullshit. It really made me sad for him. I expect it for myself for multiple reasons (It still hurts pretty bad to not have many friends and be left out of almost everything), but he’s lived in this city for all but 2 years of his life.

Basically, it reinforced how little we have to leave behind when we leave here. I do hope to make at least a couple of friends before we leave the country, but I won’t even turn to say goodbye as I leave, tbh.

I miss having a solid foundation of any sort. I’ve moved every couple of years my entire life. Not always to a new city, but a new house. I’ve moved across the US, now across the Atlantic, and I’m still not done. I want to settle. Then maybe I can become a part of something. That would be amazing. Having friends who are solid and there. WOAH! :D Super exciting, but how long do I have to wait?

Ooooh, I didn’t mean to make one of first returning posts so depressing! DAMN! I’m not all frowns, promise. I can crack a joke at almost every inappropriate opportunity just to ease the tension! I just get carried away on a tangent way too easily. This is the one place where I can say what I need to say, preferably without being too harshly judged, so I will let my sad lump of coal heart bleed a little on here at times. It’s just my nature ;)

This time I’m going to try to remember I have a Tumblr. I’m thinking of possibly setting up multiple accounts for multiple blogs, since I don’t think they’d all mesh together as one.

So heeeeyyyyyy, Tumblrland. Blogger was like yelling into a vacant field.